Despite your best attempts, you still can’t get through to your friends (in hindsight, perhaps a snapchat would have got their attention faster…).

(If you missed the first parts of Zombie Purge, you can catch up here: Prizes. Day 1. Day 2).

Luckily it’s not so much of an issue now you have Stereotypically Friendly Ghost and Relentlessly Optimistic Doge to help you out. But just who sent that strange note? You feel like you’re no closer to solving the mystery.

Deep in thought, your face matches Grumpy Cat GPS’s perfectly, but Stereotypically Friendly Ghost and Rod are too busy playing Cards Against Humanity to take much notice. You decide to walk around a bit to see if Grumpy Cat can pick up any more signs of zombies.

You’re so absorbed in looking around you and fiddling with the GPS settings that you trip over something and fall flat on your face.

You acquired a pack of Whiteboard Markers!

Wait, what?

 

Confused, you decide to add them to your pack of zombie hunting gear anyway and plod on. Grumpy Cat has started to pick up a weak signal, and you feel like you might be getting closer to solving the mystery.

A second, familiar, beep suddenly joins the first. It’s Bendy Phone, and you instantly think that your friends might be trying to get in touch. But on closer inspection, it just seems to be a weather update. Disappointed, you put your phone back in your pocket. Who cares that it’s suddenly growing cloudy?

Out of nowhere, you see an attractive, scantily-clad figure running towards you. She looks like she might be an American actress known for being the highest-grossing action heroine of all time. She also looks like she might be pretty angry.

You encountered Token Celebrity Zombie!

People don’t notice all the secrets around them. Even though they’re right in front of them, just hiding, waiting to be found.

 

You stop dead in your tracks, unsure how to react. She looks like she’s suffered enough already, but at the same time you’d prefer to keep your internal organs intact. You yell for Stereotypically Friendly Ghost and Relentlessly Optimistic Doge, and they immediately come running up. Token Celebrity Zombie has slowed in her tracks, but is still glaring at you suspiciously, and she’s already closer than you’re comfortable with. But before anyone can decide what to do, you hear faint yells coming from the rocks high above.

What…?

Suddenly, something heavy drops from above, narrowly missing your head. Strangely enough, it appears to be a whiteboard with something written on it in blood. What’s that it says? ‘Scrum training’?

Looks like you had a narrow escape indeed…

You’re setting the whiteboard against the wall when you hear more yells…and this time, they sound kind of indignant. Relentlessly Optimistic Doge flips the whiteboard over with his nose, revealing another message on the other side.

Ohhhh. Now you feel a bit silly.

The message reads,

“50% off Standard SSL Certificates For A Limited Time Only!”

“Nice deal!” you say. “No way to take advantage of it though.”

Almost as if someone’s heard you, a second whiteboard with a bloody message suddenly lands nearby. It appears to have a QR code on it. “REALLY?” You roll your eyes.

A third whiteboard lands, this time with a bit.ly link on it. “Okay, STOP!” you yell as loudly as you can.

A fourth whiteboard drops down. This one seems to have a proper sentence on it:

“Tick this box to unsubscribe…”

“DO YOU WANT RESCUING OR NOT?” you bellow irritably. You hear faint giggles, but they’re quickly replaced with screams of pain. Someone’s in trouble!

You push past Token Celebrity Zombie and somehow find a way to scramble up the rock in the direction of the noise. Gasping for breath, you reach the top only to see…

It turns out that whilst one Miner Zombie is indeed minor, an entire troop of miner zombies are in fact not so minor…

Whilst you’re thinking this, you hear familiar voices calling you. You spot Jane and Noel running towards you carrying more blank whiteboards…and they’re not alone.

They’ve brought Zombie Mansion’s Frankenzombie and Werepuppy along too! Werepuppy immediately dashes over to sniff Relentlessly Optimistic Doge, and there’s enough tail wagging to create a considerable draught. Grumpy Cat looks unsurprisingly unimpressed. You hand the Whiteboard Markers over to Jane, and she nods in a pleased kind of way.

You’re happy to see your old friends, but you can’t help feeling doubtful. Whilst the friendly zombies are well-known for their fighting skills, will they destroy their own kind? And even if they do, how will they defeat hundreds? You’re severely outnumbered…

Even Stereotypically Friendly Ghost is frowning. “Can’t we just settle this with a good old-fashioned game of Rock Paper Scissors?” he enquires.

Noel sniggers incredulously. “Who IS this guy?”

But this is no time for introductions. You can’t even make an exception for Frankenzombie, who’s staring at Token Celebrity Zombie with the infatuated look of a man who’s just discovered opium and cheese sandwiches. Or (more likely) bacon.

You hear yells and running, but this time it’s from behind you. You turn to see a stampede of people heading rapidly towards you. They’re wearing t-shirts with the Heart Internet logo, and are armed with pickaxes, keyboards, and…is that a  full-size replica Heartsbane?!

So badass.

 

You immediately feel cheered up and ready for action. Let’s do this!

It turns out the friendly zombies and Token Celebrity Zombie have no qualms about fighting their own kind, although you get the distinct impression that it’s their lack of good dress sense that Token Celebrity Zombie objects to the most. You make a mental note to keep her away from the Heart Internet bunch in future just in case…

With so many strong fighters working together, it’s not long before the horde of non-minor miner zombies is defeated. There’s a niggling suspicion in the back of your mind that you’ve overlooked something, but everyone is so busy high-fiving each other (and themselves), that you forget about it and concentrate on enjoying the feel-good victory music.

The rest of the day passes peacefully, and the Heart Internet team gradually disperses, leaving you lying peacefully in the grass with your assortment of friendly zombies, ghosts, animals, gadgets, animal-gadget hybrids, and zombie-animal-gadget hybrids. Even Token Celebrity Zombie looks relaxed, although that might be because she hasn’t realised that Frankenzombie is busy posting photos of her on Instagram.

You happily look over at the rest of your party whilst imagining beautiful fountains in the background and silhouettes milling around peacefully. They’re an odd bunch of characters, but you wouldn’t swap them for the world.

In the end, everything has worked out perfectly. Being a child of the technological revolution, you can’t go another second without sharing your success! You pull out Bendy Phone to share the good news.

Enter your name and email address below for the last chance to win a three month subscription to My Geek Box, a trick-or-treat goody hamper from Sweet Memory Lane and £100 Heart Internet credit!

As you’re checking Twitter, you notice a dark shadow fall over the screen.

To be continued…